Moving Toward Conflict? You Must Be Kidding!
David Augsburger, patriarch of modern Christian conflict theory, coined the term “carefronting” to describe what you do when you “care enough to confront.” In his wise and theologically deep Caring Enough to Confront (Regal), Augsburer challenges Christians toward and into conflict management, rather than allowing ourselves to do what comes naturally – defending, attacking, or trying to win at all costs. Carefronting allows the relationship to win as you speak the truth in a spirit of love (Ephesians 4:15).
Since defensiveness is our gut response to anything we believe is personally critical or threatening, carefronting iscounterintuitive. But you’ve no doubt noticed that conflict and anger aren’t biodegradable – when buried they don’t dissipate – and that running, hiding, ignoring, or denying conflict usually makes things worse.
When Christian leaders step toward angry people and conflicted situations, the biblical power of carefronting is unmistakable. To speak the truth in a spirit of love, you must:
Speak. No one can read your mind, and “If they loved me,they’d know,” just won’t cut it. Prepare to speak about howyou see things, what needs to be changed, and what youreally think and feel. Then allow others to do the same as you listen respectfully.
Speak truth. Don’t say, “I don’t care,” if you do care. Don’t say, “It doesn’t matter anyway,” if it does matter. Don’t say, “Hey, just forget it,” if you have a pretty good idea you’re going to stew about it. Your personal honesty and integrity are on the line.
Speak in love. Far from a social liking of your opponent, which, by the way, is never commanded in Scripture, you’re called – and equipped – to love your opponent. Since a fruit of the Spirit is love, you can be sure that you have all the love you need for this supernatural task. God does the work – from the inside out.Hearing rumors, disparaging comments about you, grumbling in the ranks, angry polarization? Here’s how to carefront.
Leave your gift at the altar and go to the person who has something against you (Matt. 5:23-24). Few people are more spiritually vulnerable than a church worker trying to avoid confrontation. Satan’s smarter and more experienced than you are here, so obey God and don’t even try to dance around. Go.
Allow ample time for a fair discussion. Resist the urge to fast forward the discussion so that you can win, overwhelm, enjoy an advantage, or just get it over with. It’s amazing the change in attitude and demeanor after the initial adrenaline of fear and anger begin to subside, when both parties are not rushed or hurried.
Recognize, appreciate, and call attention to points of agreement. Your opponent may be full of grievances and examples of your shortcomings. Stay in leadership mode, agree with what’s true, and look for the common goals and purposes that unite you. It’s likely that you really do agree on many points. Your job is to find them and bring them into the conversational spotlight.
Be flexible. If you dig in, you’re dead. Most problems really do have more than one solution. A conciliatory attitude and can-do spirit move you away from the focus on personality (yours and theirs) and toward experiments and solutions.
Trust God. You don’t have to cover your fanny, you don’t have to defend yourself; God will bless your obedience. No guarantees that it won’t at times be painful, difficult, scary, and not your favorite part of the day. We’re talking spiritual, personal, and professional growth here, and you don’t expect that to come cheap, do you?
Speak truth in a spirit of love. Move toward conflict and angry people, not away. It’s a supernatural task, made possible by a God who supplies supernatural grace. Obey, then watch God bring peace and transform you into a peacemaker.
Ruth Koch is a mental health educator, author, speaker, grandmother, and pastor’s wife. Reprinted by permission, Rev. Magazine, Copyright 2004, Group Publishing, Inc., Box 481, Loveland, CO 80539.
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