Vineyard Church North Phoenix | 4 Steps to Include the Heart

The Real Issues are Harder to See

Parents who only focus on behavior change are devastated when their children reveal unresolved issues of the heart as they grow older. The child who steals the family car, the unmarried girl who gets pregnant, or the teenage boy who starts using drugs have one thing in common: a heart problem that's developed over a long period of time.

Joey's preschool teacher told him to sit down. He said, "No." The teacher, not wanting to be outdone, leaned over Joey and said sternly, "You sit down!" Joey sat down, looked up at the teacher, and replied, "I'm sitting on the outside, but I'm standing on the inside." Too many children are like Joey, changing their behavior in response to discipline but continuing to disobey in their hearts.

The heart consists of thoughts, intentions, motivations, desires, and fantasies. Children play out foolishness in their heart long before it comes out in their actions. Many parents discipline with a two-step process. First, they see wrong behavior and second, they use a number of techniques to get their child to do what's right. Behavior is changed, but the heart isn't addressed. A good discipline process requires two more steps, making four altogether.

First, identify the wrong behavior. For example, your daughter begins to complain when you ask her to help with the dishes.

Second, identify the dishonoring heart issue. Maybe she has a problem with anger or doesn't handle instructions well.

Third, identify the honoring heart issue needed. She could develop flexibility, giving a few minutes to be helpful.

Fourth, the right behavior grows out of the honoring heart issue. She could help with the dishes without complaining, or respectfully discuss an alternative. With these four steps, instead of two, you can address what's going on below the surface-a more complete discipline that teaches children about their hearts.

Giving a consequence isn't the end of the parent's responsibility. Sometimes a consequence just gets the child's attention, allowing the parent then to address deeper heart-related issues. Talk about the underlying motivations and the deeper issues. Helping children change their hearts is harder, but that's where the lasting change takes place.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family take a look at the book, "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids."

Or if you'd like help developing an action plan for your family, consider a phone coaching session with Dr. Scott Turansky. Check out these and more resources for your family at www.biblicalparenting.org.