Demandingness
The Problem of Demandingness
Children who only focus on their own disappointment become demanding and have a hard time accepting limits. They end up sacrificing relationship to get what they want. The sad thing is that demanding children often learn that they can accomplish their goals; but in doing so, they hurt others. They give in to the ultimate expression of selfishness-taking from others without considering others' needs or desires.
We like the definition a mom we know uses for demandingness: "Expecting the world to stop and change just for me." Demanding kids moan and groan or engage in other negative relating habits when they're disappointed. Arguing, badgering, and whining are just three common responses, and children do them without thinking. Parents are easily drawn into the conflict and everyone ends up feeling frustrated.
When children can't accept no as an answer, they're dealing with a deeper spiritual issue: an inability to handle disappointment. Because of our sinful nature, at times we all develop a "me first" attitude. We want life to be our way, and we want it now! Some parents make the mistake of confusing demandingness with persistence, thinking that their children have a good quality of determination. The difference is that persistence pursues a goal in spite of obstacles. Demandingness risks relationships to obtain that goal. Persistence isn't wrong, but sacrificing relationship with others for one's own agenda is. Treating others unkindly when you don't get your way says that you value what you want more than you value the people around you.
One of the reasons that you say no to your child and stick to your no answer is because your child needs to learn to live within limits. Don't get sucked into the idea that you have to please your children for them to grow up healthy. Although we want our children to be happy, sometimes the hard work of parenting requires that we say no in order to develop the internal character quality of gratefulness. The children who can live within boundaries without demandingness are the ones who can truly by happy.
This parenting tip comes from the Heart Project, a practical, biblical, heart-based approach providing solutions for parents. Phase 1 of the Heart Project will be released in about two months. You can receive a pre-release of this workbook and its accompanying CD now by visiting www.biblicalparenting.org.
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