Did I Do What God Wanted Me To Do?
As I sit here writing this article, I’m asking myself, “How I can write about balance in a way that doesn’t make me a hypocrite?” After all, my family has just come through a season that would make anyone’s head spin. Let’s see, it goes something like this: In the month of December alone, my husband directed the 5 Christmas Eve services; I directed our annual children’s production; I had 2 accidents (one totaled our van); we have major renovations going on in our home; we have had at least 6 doctor visits and numerous other sicknesses that we refused to wait 6 hours in urgent care for; and to top it off one of our dogs contracted a rare autoimmune disease. Merry Christmas to you too! I don’t know that balance is something I can grasp.
But then I look at our lives over the past 12 years in ministry, and we really haven’t done so poorly. I’ve come to look at “balance” as a process rather than something that is attained. I’ve learned some hard lessons and made some observations.
1 Balance is always changing What was a balanced lifestyle when I had 3 babies in 4 years is much different than what “balance” looks like now. It is like a juggler that constantly readjusts his stance and pace to keep all the balls in the air. Our family has readjusted. Marty and I are constantly readjusting what we are able to do. There have been seasons when he took on more of the household chores and seasons when I have. The key has always been the ability to openly discuss our frustrations and availability. We are very familiar with the word “no,” and I think we have learned to live beyond people’s expectations of us. People will always expect more than we are able to give. There have been times when a member of our family has struggled and everything else had to become secondary to that struggle. Some of our dreams and talents had to be put on hold to fulfill the needs of our family. One thing I do know is that God has always been faithful and our sacrifices seem small in comparison to His blessings.
2 Balance is as individual as we are. My wonderful neighbor is a pastor’s wife, a great cook, and has company 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes I could feel guilty, because I know she is an asset to her husband’s ministry. I, on the other hand, hate to cook and having people in my home makes me a nervous wreck. My contributions to our family are much different. I love volunteering at school for crafts and art, and I’ve also worked outside the home so that my husband can fulfill his calling. I had to develop a really good sense of who God created me to be. Otherwise, I would have constantly floundered, trying to be what all the other pastor’s wives are. I am who I am and God planned it that way. I can only live the life God has given me to live and that is enough. Comparisons, as we all know, are deadly and it seems we never get totally free of this weight. However, comparisons and striving to fulfill someone else’s calling will wreck any hope we have of finding peace, contentment and balance in our lives.
3 Balance is determined by the needs of my family at this particular season in our lives. Is everyone getting what they need to be successful? Because I’m a perfectionist, I can’t ask the question “Is everyone getting my best?” I could always do better. What I need to know is everyone getting what they need, including me? Am I pursuing my goals, do I have time to spend in God’s presence. Keep in mind, my time with God when I had 3 babies was when I sat down to nurse or change a diaper. Now I have more time. Is each of my children getting significant time with me? Is my husband feeling loved and supported? Does he still know that he is second only to God in my life? Depending upon the immediate needs of our family members, I may need to say “No” more often. I wish I had 100 lifetimes, because there are so many things I want to do and experience, but I have to prioritize and approach life as a marathon, not a sprint. I have to determine the goals and accomplishments that God has in store for me and work toward those. There are many jobs and ministries around me that are quite worthy of my time, but they are not my responsibility. I can’t let my families’ needs be secondary to a valuable cause.
4 Balance requires me to be authentic. This is so hard as a pastor’s wife, because we think people have expectations of us. (And many people do). I’m sure I would not be described as the typical pastor’s wife (whatever that is), but I am confident that I’m doing exactly what God put me on this earth to do. People’s opinions of me will come and go, but who I am in Christ will remain the same. The balance comes when I’m able to admit my life is out of control, and I’m not as perfect as people or I would like to believe. It’s at this point I am able to begin to readjust and make changes.
If I could sum it all up at the end of my life, I would say “Did I do what God wanted me to do”? “Was I faithful to Him, my husband and my children?” If so, then I’ve done my part. The rest is up to God.
Shelia grew up as a pastor’s kid and is now a pastor’s wife.
